he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
