Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
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You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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