I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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