I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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