I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
