I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
what day is it and did you see me today?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.