Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
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I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
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I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.