Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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