His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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