She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
