I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
