Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I party with great urgency now.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
