So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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