so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
