I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
