it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
