I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
50% drunk capacity currently
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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