Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
