i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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