do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
