Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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