She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
