On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize
