goodnight i made you a song goodbye
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
