I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
