my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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