you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
