"it" just moved
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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