Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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