She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
