Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
