im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
me + whiskey = a bad person
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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