did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
