Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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