i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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