Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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