i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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