If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
