I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
