u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
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I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
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Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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