So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
