he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
