Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
