you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
