I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
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You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
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The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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