My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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