If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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