we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
