I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I could fuck to npr.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
