By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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