I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
