I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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