did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My ATM looks so different sober.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
