LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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