I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i will never coherently bang her
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
