He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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