you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
