he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
