I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
