i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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