you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
