update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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