Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
